As I sit here writing this post, there are so many other things I “should” be doing. The dishes. Laundry. Recipe testing. A plan for dinner. Updating a bajillion little things on the blog. Editing recipe posts I’ve already photographed and haven’t yet shared. Figuring out what I should work on next. TAXES. Ugh, taxes. And hundreds of other little and not-so-little things. It feels like the list could stretch out for eternity. But until I write this, I’ll stay stuck, and I know it, so here I am at my little white desk typing away.
You may be wondering, isn’t this a food blog? Why is this lady writing about her to-do list? Yes, this is a blog that centers around food, but it’s also an extension of me, in a way. I feel very personally connected to what I share here, and to you, even though we may never meet in the traditional sense. So if you’re not into over-sharing, skip this one, and the recipes will resume shortly. For the rest of you, grab a cup of whatever you drink, take a seat in a comfy chair, and let’s chat.
So here’s the thing. I haven’t been doing so hot lately. I would call it a mid-life crisis, except that sounds ridiculous. But I’ve been flailing, and it’s been really hard, and I haven’t known how to talk about it. It’s also hard to pinpoint the exact cause, if there even is one, because I can feel overwhelmed just making dinner. I don’t think that falafel should cause a breakdown, but it has. It did just last night. But I definitely can point to one particular thing that has been a major source of stress recently, and a big part of why I’m writing this is to get out from under the weight of it so I can move forward. But first, let me back up a little…
Last November, I was on a bit of a high, in terms of how things with the blog were going. After 3 1/2 years, it was a going concern. It had replaced my previous full-time income in the corporate world. I loved doing it, and was getting such great feedback about the recipes. I even was interviewed on a popular podcast that I had listened to since I started blogging (a HUGE honor). During that time, I realized that the one thing that was holding me back was the name of the blog. I just didn’t resonate with it, and it didn’t reflect what it was really about anymore. So in the glow of everything that seemed to be going so well, I made the decision to change the name of the blog on January 1.
And then…everything turned upside down.
Pretty much everything with the rebrand went wrong, from moment one. Instead of having the jolt of electricity about the fresh start, a new year, and a clear direction, I was spending all my time scrambling to fix technical things that I didn’t know anything about (and I’m fairly tech-savvy). The number of people visiting the blog was cut in half, overnight. And with that, the income. Imagine checking your bank account when your direct deposit is scheduled to drop, and it’s half of what it normally is. Bit a freakout moment, right? Understatement.
At first, I panicked, then I started talking to other people who had experienced the same thing, and I started feeling a little bit of hope for recovery. But in the meantime, the stress was showing up in all kinds of unhelpful ways. My mental, emotional, and physical health have all been impacted. I can’t be sure that it is all linked to the rebrand (in fact I don’t think it is), but the timing is decidedly less than helpful. So I’ve spent days that are dedicated to working with nothing to show for it because I just can’t seem to figure out what to do first, or how to push past the roadblocks, whether they be real or imaginary.
The thing I definitely haven’t done is ask for help, which should have been the first thing I did. Case in point – thousands of people are on my e-mail list, and even though I posted two awesome recipes in January, I didn’t send them an e-mail letting them know. I still haven’t (although that changes today). And months after the podcast interview I did, I still get messages from people telling me how much it meant to them. And I haven’t written them back, because I feel like a fraud. Isn’t that sad? Honestly, I’m getting teary-eyed just thinking about it.
What all this comes down to is something that had been simmering for a long time, but came to a boil and ultimately spilled over after the rebrand.
I am afraid of success, and have been letting that fear sabotage my efforts.
That seems totally backward, I know, but it’s a real thing, because I’ve talked to lots of other people with the same fear. And I’m betting some of you have it too. Maybe a lot of you. So I’m spilling my guts here not just as a selfish form of catharsis, but in the hopes of encouraging you to keep going after whatever it is that’s scaring the pants off of you.
Last year I wrote a piece called Inconsistent Diligence is Still Diligence. It was geared toward people in the online business community of which I am a part, but I think it applies to everyone. I certainly need to hear the message again, and I wrote it.
Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, I’m going to go put my big blogger pants back on, and get something done. I promise, there will be recipes again. Thank you so much for reading this, if you made it this far, and for being along for the ride. I’m lucky and honored to count you as friends.
Happily,
Beth
Oh Beth–I’m so sorry that you’ve been feeling this way! Thank you for sharing this with us, and I’m sure things will get back on track in no time. You are not alone… xoxo
Thank you Karen! <3 If nothing else, I'm glad I wrote this post to get so many amazing and encouraging comments like this! My cup overflows. <3
Way to be raw, real, and dare I use the corporate term transparent! Being open and honest is a beautiful thing in life, because we are all battling in some way. I’m so proud of all your accomplishments, and will be right here supporting all your future success. Don’t make me call you singing Journey!!
Love, Sister
Love you, Sister. You can call me singing Journey anytime. “Don’t stop….believin’….Hold on to that FEEEEEEELING…Streetlights…people…OH OH OHHHHHHHHHH…” By the way, I busted my gut laughing at your website address. 🙂
I’ve had some similar issues with changes made on advice from a trusted tech guy…who forgot to mention the impact said changes would have on things. It’s paralyzing. I’m so glad you are posting about it! Blogging is full of black holes and bumps in the road that take you by surprise. I love that you’re talking about it.
Ugh, Rachael, so sorry you went through that! I have a fantastic tech guy now, Andrew from The Blog Tutor, and I WISH I had started working with him prior to the name change, but such is life. I really feel like blogging is like playing Candyland. You’re never really done, and you can lose all the ground you’ve gained at the flip of a card. But you can also skip right past obstacles sometimes too. And there’s candy. 🙂
Oh Beth, I feel like going through the screen to give you a big hug! Feel hugged!! Try the Pomodoro System. There is different apps for that. I use one that’s called “Focus” and it helps me SOOO much when I’m procrastinating and watching Youtube video after Youtube video just so I don’t have to start working. It’s really really helpful. I do Pomodoro with my sister in Germany. We send each other our to do list for every 25-minute block and start together and during the breaks we talk over Skype.
I feel hugged! Thank you Lorena! <3 I'll check out that Focus app, sounds perfect for me, hahaha. 🙂 I'm starting to realize I need to recruit people to help me stay focused, I love the accountability idea!
Is it just not cool to ask for donations? I feel like I would rather donate some money to my favorite food bloggers (you are at the top) instead of wade through slow-loading, ad-filled websites. I know the ads and slow-loading will never go away, it’s just part of the business model., But, I wouldn’t be put off if I saw a humble button asking for donations from people who love your recipes.
Hey Heather! Finally able to circle back and thank you for this comment. It’s funny, I’ve been considering this for a while, but didn’t know how people would react. I don’t know very many food bloggers doing a donation thing, but I have a feeling it may become more common. I have heard of Patreon as one option, and I’d definitely want to offer something exclusive to the patrons, and am not sure what that would be yet. Food for thought, pardon the pun. <3 Thanks for the encouragement, and the suggestion!
Beth, first of all, thank you, and secondly, I truly admire and respect you. Plus you crack me up and I love the way you write. So open, real, just plain humorous and YOU really come through in doing so. Not sure where, exactly, I was going with this but I was wanting to give you some support and while having absolutely NO idea of what all is entailed in blogging, I think you are doing a fine job. And this “transparency” article I’m responding to, makes your blog even more enjoyable. Have always thought “perfect” people, blogs, lives, etc., were a little suspect anyway and therefore they never have and probably never will resonate with me. Keep up the good work girl, and don’t let the assholes get you down! Because you know they’ll try to! Lol. Seriously, don’t ever change. As that stupid saying goes, you do you and very well.
Hey Trish, I’m finally able to sit down and respond to this amazing message. I read it back again just now and smiled big, just feeling like, YES, Trish gets me! That feeling of knowing that my efforts in being myself are well received is just the best. And it makes me want to keep going even more. So thank you, thank you for sharing this with me. <3
I am happy to read such encouraging messages from your readers. You deserve every happiness, Beth! And I am co-opting your Inconsistent Dilligence is still dilligence phrase. Now I suppose I should learn how to spell diligence.
Peggy
Hi Peggy! You continue to be such a source of encouragement and support to me. I won’t tell anyone that you are a former teacher who is still learning to spell diligence. 😉
Hi Beth, I am truly not the type of person to reach out, particularly online, but your post really resonated with me. I’m so sorry you are going through a hard time, but as the saying goes, “this too shall pass”. My husband is currently going through some stuff at work and it is financially terrifying and physically paralyzing. Part of me feels like if I just sit still long enough, the anxiety won’t find me lol.
I think by writing your post you have proven to yourself that you aren’t a quitter and you will regain the ground you lost and achieve new levels of success! Amazing things happen outside your comfort zone!
Best of luck to you and I look forward to future posts!
Hi Meg! I’m so glad you reached out. <3 Ugh, I totally related to the idea that sitting still will keep the anxiety away. I've spent more time on the couch than I care to admit. I hope this situation with your husband is resolved soon, that must be awful. And YES, amazing things can happen outside my comfort zone, that's great encouragement. More to come! <3
I love how you never quit re-starting. You have succeeded in many ways, and will continue to do so.
Love, hugs and prayers always with you
I love you, Mom. <3
Thanks for sharing this; pretty brave of you. Fear of success is a very real thing. I think women, especially, suffer from it. I have missed your posts and love your dedication to healthy plant-based food.
Hi Jan! I totally agree that fear of success is often dealt with by women. I’m ready to change that narrative for myself, and hopefully encourage others to do the same. Makes me feel good to know I was missed, and I’m excited to get back into the kitchen and sharing more here. <3
Hi Beth-
We don’t know each other; in fact, I just found your blog, recipes, and facebook group this week.
I am not one to be very involved or vocal online typically, but feel compelled to send you a virtual hug. You are not alone. Thank you for sharing yourself, your hardwork and your gifts on your beautiful blog. I’ve never felt so cozy with and drawn to a blog as I am yours and your recipes—-delicious and nutritious?!? What!?! Love.
This is one reader/follower who is happy to hear it all–the ups, the downs, the real, the human. Bring it on. This is life. The struggle is real. . You and your blog are a breath of fresh air. Write on, and know there are people who don’t even know you cheering for you.
Hi Mel,
First of all, I’m so sorry it too me so long to reply. One of the physical issues I alluded to in the post has to do with my vision, which has made looking at a screen really hard, so I’m finally getting back to everyone who wrote such wonderful encouraging things. It means so much to me that you would speak up when you don’t normally do so online. I just read it again and got teary-eyed, in the best way. I’ll keep keeping it real. <3
So sorry to hear our cheery Beth was feeling so down. You’re brilliant gal. Love your blog. Love your style. Love your honesty. And you make me laugh. Keep at it & don’t let those demons get you.
Thank you Josie! Your encouragement means the world to me. Kicking those demons to the curb one at a time. <3
Welcome back to the rest of your life! Forget yesterday; today is a new day! You are not alone… Been there, Lived that, Survived. Hang in there. You are doing great!
Thank you Marni! This made me smile. <3
Hey Beth,
Just touching base to see how you are travelling. Life really is a journey with all it’s ups and downs. It may get a bit bumpy sometimes but it’s always an interesting ride…
Thank God for adult sippy cups!
Beth – this really sucks, I can’t imagine how bad it feels. Thanks for sharing, it must have made you feel quite vulnerable. I have a problem opening up like this because I am afraid of what people will think. But, you sound very brave and I agree, getting back to some writing is probably a good way to start working through it all. Even though you feel like you have a lot to do, to get back on track, don’t forget to take care of yourself.
Cheers,
-CW at DailyCreatives
Thanks Christine! I don’t know about brave, but sometimes I just have this compulsion to share, and until I do I can’t move forward, so just the act of doing so is therapeutic in itself. I’m definitely trying to take care of myself, thank you for the reminder and the encouragement! <3
awww Beth I’m so sorry you’ve been struggling!! Thank you for being brave enough to share your story with all of us…I hope it gets better for you! Sending hugs!
Thanks Hannah!!! It’s been a tough time for sure, for lots of reasons, but I’m trying to move forward with a positive attitude. Getting all these amazing and encouraging comments has really helped! <3 Love and hugs back to you!
Being stuck totally sucks. We’re all here with you whether you post 10 times a month or none. Your blog makes the internet a way better place. It also makes our family meal time a way better place. 🙂 Thanks for being real and honest about your journey and I know you will overcome this hump. Hugs!
I love you, my friend. <3
Thank. For sharing this- I think we all have times like this it helps to know we are not alone!
Hi Judy! Indeed, we’re not alone, and I’m happy to share. <3
Same girl, same. Thanks for being so open and vulnerable about what you’ve been going through! I think we all (especially in the online space) feel a bit like a fraud sometimes, but I try to remind myself that means the people who I admire do, too. Progress, not perfection.
Hey girl! Been a long time since we’ve connected! <3 Yes, I totally agree that everyone has that imposter syndrome thing going on at some level, but some hide it better than others. I can't hide it, so I just either withdraw, or talk about it. I'd rather talk about it, because withdrawing feels pretty crappy. 🙂
Thank you for being so real! I can identify with everything you talked about.
My pleasure, Shelly! Only way I know to be. Glad it resonated it with you. <3
Well done and thank you for taking the time to share your recent struggles.. I appreciate your recipes and I appreciate you! BIG hug of support from another mom in the Pacific Northwest with two beautiful kids. 🙂
Hi Victoria! I mean, neighbor! <3 Thank you so much for your encouragement and the BIG hug. I'll take it! <3
Beth, I concur with all of the previous comments! I’m always happy to hear from you and try out your new recipes. I’ve been a vegan for over 30 years and find everything about your blog so refreshing!
After what you shared, I’m hesitant to recommend a book to read (how to find the time??!!), but you might find this interesting and possibly relevant. The book is WHEN – The Scientific Secrets of Perfect Timing by Daniel Pink.
Hugs from me, too!
Hi Terry! I’m finally circling back to all these wonderful comments after a tough week. Reading your feedback made me feel so encouraged and happy that what I’m doing here has made you happy. I’ll definitely check out that book, thanks for the recommendation! <3
Love and hugs to you Beth. You are not alone, we all have “something”, it’s just that our “something” is different. Thanks for sharing~xo
Thank you so much, Michele. I totally agree, everyone is going through something, and I’m glad that by sharing my “something” others can feel less alone. <3
Thanks so much for sharing so freely! I love your recipes and they have been the source of so many happy family meals for us.
We are all here for you!