Fair warning, I’m going to ramble a lot in this post. I have to get this out. Also, there are no pictures. Sorry about that.
I just marked the two year anniversary of a blog called Eat Within Your Means. And yet, I cannot seem to do that simple thing. At least it seems like it should be simple. But for me, it is beyond complicated. How do I unpack and untangle the reasons why I struggle to eat within my means?
The thing is, I’ve done it before. In 2010 I lost 80 pounds in 10 months by working out 6 days a week and tracking my calories daily. I ate around 1400 calories per day, and did the P90X workout regimen, which is heavily focused on strength training with some cardio. At that time, I was also single/engaged, and lived alone. I had fewer excuses as to why I couldn’t take on this very important project. So I blogged about it daily and did a weekly video update for months. I got married and felt amazing and wore a bikini on the beach on our honeymoon in Maui. Fast forward 5 years and two kids later, and things are so different now. Just last month we went to Maui as a family. It was basically the total opposite of our honeymoon in so many ways that I can’t and won’t go into here. But I can say that I was not in any shape to be wearing a bikini on the beach. I am back at square one, right where I started 5 years ago. Back at the same spot where I started this blog two years ago. So I’m struggling.
I am not immune to the irony that I am 230 pounds and have a healthy recipes blog that promises to fatten your wallet and skinny your jeans. Last month I taped my first local television appearance, and while it was so much fun and I can’t wait to do it again (by the way, I am), it made me cringe to hear the host introduce me as the blogger from Eat Within Your Means, and then have the camera pan to my overweight self. I wondered if people watching were confused. But I found myself thinking, wouldn’t it be cool if I got to do more segments and I could watch the progress of my weight loss over time? Maybe I would lose 100 pounds and get featured in a magazine! Meanwhile, I’m eating chips out of the bag or having three pieces of white sourdough toast slathered with coconut oil for breakfast. With coffee sweetened with maple syrup, because that’s healthier. Something is clearly not clicking in my brain.
I started out this year so excited about my newfound exercise studio, Barre3. I went every day for 30 days straight and was generously gifted two free months of membership. Yet, as life has handed us a few lemons recently, rather than making lemonade (not the Becky with the good hair kind), I used it as an excuse to miss class. So I essentially wasted a free month, because I only went a few times when I could have rocked it 5 or 6 times a week like I had been doing. I just didn’t make it a priority. And I let a stupid sinus infection keep me on the couch for a week. What’s up with that? Yes, my head feels like it’s going to explode. But judging by how awesome it felt to make it to class for the first time in two weeks tonight, I probably would have gotten over it much sooner had I just made better choices.
Speaking of choices, here’s a great example of making the wrong decision. Tonight I made a pretty kick-butt taco salad for dinner. It had walnut taco “meat”, a nacho cheese sauce that I’m testing (it’s GOOD), homemade sour cream, lettuce, tomato, olives, avocado, and crushed up tortilla chips. It rocked. I ate a huge plate of it. Then I asked Michael if he wanted more, and he said no. So what did I do? I loaded up my plate with what was left and ate a huge second helping. I was already almost full, and if I’d given my brain a minute or two longer to catch up with my stomach, I would have realized that I should have stopped at plate number 1. But instead, growing more stuffed with each forkful, I shoveled that salad into my mouth. Knowing I was going to Barre in less than an hour. WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?
The fact is, I did make it to Barre tonight. And it felt amazing to be back. And it made me want to get hardcore serious about finding my way to a healthy me and then figuring out how to maintain that for the rest of my life. I have to believe that by putting this out there into the world, I will find that I’m not alone in this struggle. That is largely why I started this blog in the first place. And so many of you have already told me that we are in the same boat. So, let’s get out of the boat and go do yoga or something. Let’s do it together. I honestly don’t know what that will look like for me, practical speaking, but I’m ok with sharing about my bumbling journey here, if you don’t mind. One thing I know for sure, is that as much as I don’t want to, at least for a time I need to start keeping track of what I’m eating, and how much. So I’ll probably tell you about that here, in some way. I just don’t have it all figured out yet. But that’s ok.
Tomorrow is a good day to make good decisions. If I’m lucky enough to wake up tomorrow, I think breakfast sounds like the perfect opportunity to make a good choice. Goodbye, sourdough toast slathered with coconut oil. It’s been real.
You are definitely not alone in your struggles. If only it was as easy as knowing what you want to do and then doing it right? I’d pay good money for that ability! Keep on it, we’re all in this together and just knowing that we’re not alone in this is sure to inspire/ motivate many people especially me!
You’re sooooo not alone. Something a friend of mine said really struck me and stuck with me and I’d like to share it. She said don’t wait for motivation. Motivation is bullshit. I love it.
In weight watchers we’d talk all the time about how to get motivation back. Truth is, you can’t. It comes, it goes. All we can do is just keep slogging through even when our motivation isn’t there. Sometimes it’ll jump back while we’re slogging, other times, it seems to take forever to get it back. All we can do is keep going. Going to barre… going to boot camp… going to the vegetable instead of candy. It’s not fun and glamorous, but it’s the tough work we have to do if we want change.
And the other truth, weight doesn’t equal health. We can make all the great healthy changes in the world and not lose weight. we’re all different and our bodies respond differently to these healthy changes. Remember that when you’re doing everything right and the scale’s not moving.
Don’t beat yourself up. Just take one more step forward.
HUGS!!!
Please be easier on yourself. Seriously, if there’s one thing we ALL need to do immediately, it’s to stop beating ourselves up in our heads! I haven’t followed your blog that long so I didn’t know where you started, just where you find yourself now. What I do know is that I like your writing style and your recipes. I loved your post on the Barre class and that you put yourself out that with your intent to become an instructor down the road. That’s ballsy! And brave! What you didn’t say was, “It will happen next month!” and I think that because you slowed down on attendance you’re making yourself feel guilty and that makes it harder to go… I’m struggling too. I’m going to the gym twice a week doing body pump and riding 15 miles another day of the week and eat good at home…. but I find myself at the Taco Bell drive thru WAY too much as of late. I’m still ordering vegan, but it’s STILL shitty processed fast food and I know I’m not doing myself any favors at all. Surprise, surprise – I’ve stopped losing weight too! Self sabotaging behavior is wonderful, is it not. We both have the power to get thru this funk, be responsible to ourselves and make better decisions, right? Let’s do it together, shall we?
This was honestly one of the best/most honest posts I’ve read about weight loss and healthy lifestyles. It inspired me. And so, thank you for being you, and being open about the struggles you’re facing. It’s somewhat rare to find someone so real about their problems; normally peaople would just keep on posting healthy meals and workout pictures, hoping that if they fooled the world, they’d fool themselves too. But by beeing honest, you are not only facing the problem, but also helping us with our own issues. I can’t thank you enough for being open and honest.
Hehe, if it was easy, then the diet industry wouldn’t be making billions of dollars of profit (google this, the numbers are staggering!).
I’ve been reading Dr. Joel Fuhrman’s books lately. I haven’t been following his plan super strictly (I am a single gal living in a big city and don’t want to become a total hermit) but eating homemade breakfast, lunch, and dinner 90% of the time during the week and cutting out sugar has been amazing. I don’t own a scale but my clothes have gotten so loose and it’s been only two months. It somehow seems easier to do than when I used to count calories.
Beth! I haven’t said anything because I didn’t want to stick my oar in; this your journey, and I was afraid I’d come across as preachy if I said anything. But I just have to say something when I see you suffering, as I have been where you are. Literally.
As a teenager, I thought there was something wrong with me, because I just kept gaining weight. Ultimately, my parents and I went on an extreme diet and lost a bunch of weight, but I was even more discouraged than ever at the end of it. It messed with my hormones and wreaked havoc on my body, and my period stopped. Thankfully, I went in to see my naturopath, and she suggested a more balanced diet/exercise program as a more gradual way to lose weight. I see now that she was meeting us where we were at mentally, because eventually, I came to the realization that even that program was too restrictive and unhealthy for me.
Not quite a year ago, I stumbled across a girl named Maddy Moon, and she was a former fitness model, who had achieved the “perfect body” in my mind. She debunked many of my beliefs about my body, and through her I found many more resources that have transformed my life. One of them was Isabel Foxen Duke, who is the queen of helping women stop fighting food, as she has been on both sides of the equation (restricting and binging). I found her video series very helpful: http://videos.stopfightingfood.com/
This is just my story, and ultimately it’s your choice the route you want to take, and I will cheer you on no matter what. I just had to share my piece, because I would not be able to rest knowing I had stayed silent while watching you suffer.
Oh, this is a really good post about your struggle: http://summerinnanen.com/remove-guilt?mc_cid=96fd58ce17&mc_eid=ed1f4440c0
Both of the ladies I linked to can have a mouth, but their message is very valuable if it doesn’t bother you. (The things I linked to are almost completely clean, though.)
I love you! ❤
You are so brave Beth! I will join you in your journey! Nobody is perfect, but we can support each other to achieve our personal goals and be there when the day doesn’t go exactly as planned. You are making great accomplishments with you career, who else is a rock star doing live segments and going for more? Keep it going!
Hi Beth! Thank you so much for your post, your honesty has made me feel not quite so alone. I have been struggling with my weight since I was in middle school, and at this moment I am waiting to take my 20 yr old daughter out for her birthday. And instead of being excited to share this day with her, all I can think about is the fact that I have nothing to wear.
Which makes me think of all the moments in my life that I have let my weight steal from me. I’m working on accepting myself where I am, and short of that, at least living in the moment.
I wish the same for you, regardless of a number on a scale.
Thank you again for sharing.
Oh Beth. There is so much I have to say on this, and it hurts my heart to hear that you’re going through this. Firstly, I understand where you are coming from when you talk about wanting to look how you did back however many years ago. I have been doing a lot of work on myself lately, mind and emotional work, about the way I relate to food. It’s absolutely astonishing and galling when I finally realized I’d been walking around with blinders on for years, believing ridiculous claims from society that we all must look the same in order to be healthy. The truth is that each of us was created as a unique and special human being and that means we all look different: big, thin, tall, short, blond, brunette, brown eyes, green eyes, etc. Our culture has assigned a moral rightness to being thin, and insists that you cannot be healthy without it. In fact the opposite is true. Anyone can be healthy, and when I say that I don’t mean it in the way the media uses the word, but rather things like not worrying over and stressing over food, eating when you’re hungry and sometimes when you’re not (because that happens in life), exercising good sleeping hygiene, moving your body in ways that make you happy but not judging yourself when your body is telling you that you need some rest…and above all, being kind and forgiving and loving to yourself. One of my favorite women who has been a help on my journey is Libby Crow, and her amazing free resources. I highly reccomend watching her videos (http://libbycrow.com/bodylovevideos/). Doing the worksheets also really helped me!!).
No matter who you are or what you look like, you are ALWAYS worthy of life, love, happiness, good food, wonderful people, amazing trips, beautiful moments and time spent well. We are not our bodies, we have bodies. We have bodies that are our vehicles to get through life…our venue for experiencing all the amazingness that is life. We are souls, beautiful, wonderful, souls, absorbing and giving love out into the world.
I know I can get kind of preachy about this, and I hope it doesn’t come across like that. Truth is, it hurts me so much what you are going through and I see you being trapped by beliefs that I was bound by for years. I want to help you get out just like I got out. I can’t force anything on anyone, and I wouldn’t want to. At the very least, I want you to know that it doesn’t matter to me one jot how your body looks, what size you are or what the name of you blog is, you will always be lovely and beautiful. You are making a difference in the world just by being you, and that is what matters! XOXO ?
P.S. This sounds pretty arrogant, but I’d love it if you’d read this post -> https://theunconventionalkitchen.wordpress.com/2016/04/21/you-are-enough/
P.P.S. If you ever want me to ramble more on the subject, I love talking about body image stuff. ?
My Bethy,
As your Mom, it makes me feel so proud that you’re willing to put yourself out there and be vulnerable. Also, seeing all of the comments lets me know there are people far and wide that want to support you right where you’re at and where you want to be.
I once was told by a wonderful lady named Karn Anderson, a fitness instructor at Lakeshore that “Every choice matters”. I think about that statement from time to time, but need to meditate on it more. The fact that we have options and the freedom to choose, foods, behavior, what we buy, how we make a living, etc is an immeasurable blessing.
Let me know how I can best help and encourage you.
Love,
Mom
It’s so hard to stay on track with weight loss. We’re all human but what matters is that you’re so honest about what’s going on. And it’s your honesty that makes me want to reach out and give you a hug. You’re a very neat person, Beth. Maybe that won’t cure you of the blues, but I just want to tell you how much I admire you.
Beth,
I have so many things to say, but so many wonderful things have already been said. And they are all true…your beauty and honesty and transparency is very refreshing in the world of “image” in which we live. You know me and so you know I struggle as well. You know I sent you my weight ages ago with all kinds of goals. Well, guess what? Since then, I have lost 30 lbs. You may think I’m bragging until I tell you that before I lost the 30 lbs, I gained 20! SO, in all all these months, I only have a net loss of 10! And really the only reason I am having any measure of success at the moment is bc of being in the hospital for 3 days with uncontrolled super (like heart attack/stroke any moment) high blood pressure! I HAD to make some changes or die and leave my kids with no parent!
We all stumble in many ways and we get back up and keep going….and that is what matters! And you do that! You are amazing! You have a husband and 2 small kids and a career to keep up with! Don’t be so hard on yourself, girl! I love you and I am oh so proud of you! I’m so glad Michael married you and made you a part of our family! Keep up what you are doing….especially the blessed transparency and raw honesty of your blog! It helps us all to remember we are just human and not alone on this journey! Keep up the awesomeness!
Hi Beth, I love your honesty and vulnerability . I am right where you are….stuck between the knowing and actual doing. Count me in on this journey.
Sister,
You are a bad ass. I am so proud of you for writing this. I wish I had the boldness, the empowerment, and the strength to do the same thing. You know my struggles, but I hide them out of fear. Your ability to be so forth coming and open will set you free. Being honest and having no filter are such magnetic qualities to me, because people see the REAL you. Not a mask- I keep tearing up as I write this, because you just blow me away. People are blessed by you, I sure know I am.
Love, Me
Omg. So not alone. Having kids is hard on our bodies. And then after we have them, we dont sleep well and are all out of whack with schedules. The fact that you acknowledge you want to make a change is fantastic. You can do it. Your story is a motivation. I need to get off the someday boat and just get up and start doing burpees or something. With 3 kids who are up at 5:0o everyday, I pretend like I have an excuse. But the truth is, I don’t. I just choose not to put in the effort to work out. I’m feeling the push to make a change. Thank you for sharing.